For some reason, I think being pregnant makes people feel like they have free license to do or say whatever they want.  It’s rather fascinating to be honest.  I experienced it to a certain degree while we were trying to conceive or being open about our trials and tribulations.  But there is something about a tiny alien life form taking over your midsection that makes people say “Hey, it’s the Wild West out here now. Let it rip!”

So, I thought I’d make a list of things people have said or done to me, or to some of my close friends, that are just weird, strange, off-putting, unique, or just plain rude. But, mostly funny.

1. How Are You Feeeeeeeeling?

• This one is actually not a weird question.  It totally makes sense that people would ask how you are feeling.  The funny part to me is that this is the ONLY question you get.  As soon as I announced I was expecting, this replaced any other pleasantry-type question I would normally get.  And now it was only this one.  It just struck me funny.  Especially because most people don’t actually want to know.  It’s just the pregnant version of How Are You?  Your close people might want to know the real answer, but most just want you to say “Pretty good, thanks for asking.” They don’t typically want you to describe your constipation, weird sleeping habits or the fact that you can’t bend over or move your ankles anymore due to swelling.  But, sometimes I tell them anyway.  My standard answer for this has been “Hot and swollen, but overall pretty good!”  Which is half honest, half polite, and a smidge sassy.

2.    What are you having?

• Welp. I’d say it is likely a baby!  There are many variations of this.  Are you finding out what you’re having? Do you know what you’re having? You AREN’T finding out what you’re HAVING! How? The funny part to me is not the question per se, it’s the assumption from most that you obviously would find out of the sex of the baby in advance and they couldn’t comprehend why or how you wouldn’t. My typical joking answer has really been “Yes!  A Baby.” But that’s only when I’m in the mood to be a twit, because I clearly know what they mean. The best is when the question is asked “Are you finding out the gender?” and I say “No we aren’t finding out the sex of the baby.” (Because biological sex and gender aren’t the same thing). And then they say “Wow. I don’t know how you can do that, you’re such a planner!” And, not trying to be a jerk here, I get it.  The science is there, why not use it. I understand why people would want to find out and be curious if we are too. If you are someone who would want to theme out a nursery specifically based on the sex or have a mostly pink or blue wardrobe, then yes it would actually effect your planning.  But, that’s just not our vibe.  We’d go grey, white and mint with a splash of chevron and elephants regardless anyway (I know SO CUTE, right? lol) So how does it change the plan? And, to be honest, if you want to get me a tutu or a pair of suspenders, go for it! I’ll totally put them to use! Luckily I know about 5 other couples expecting right now who also aren’t finding out so we have a little posse of outliers.

3.    I KNOW what you’re having.

• Basically the opposite of the previous one.  Because you don’t know, other people think they do know.  I actually quite enjoy it because the various reasons are so funny.  You’re carrying low. Your skin is nice. I had a dream.  I had a premonition. It’s just a vibe I have. Your butt is or is not poking out (but why you looking my butt tho?). Our friends and family are weighing very heavily in one direction, for different reasons, which I do find interesting.  But, the odds are pretty high it is one of two major options.  So, I’d take those odds.

4. I know what you’re having based on your current ugliness level.

• This is the one that throws me for a loop more than the rest.  Why would you comment on a pregnant person’s beauty (or WORSE lack thereof)? We already feel like big swollen cows, even if we are THRILLED to be pregnant.  Luckily, I guess, the version of this I have gotten is something like “I think you’re having a boy because you still look pretty” or as blunt as “You’re having a boy because you aren’t ugly”. Yes…I heard this in real life. But all I am thinking when I get these is what would you say to me if you thought I was having a girl?  Which means you think that IS making me ugly?  Well, I happen to know the answer because someone said the statement to my mom when she was pregnant with me: “You must be having a girl because she is stealing all your beauty.” WHO SAYS THAT HONESTLY.  And I am 2 weeks shy of 36 and my mom remembers this vividly. Also, some of my already beautiful friends were equally as beautiful while carrying girls so potench that theory is flawed? So, maybe give the person your biological sex guess if you feel inclined, but perhaps leave out how that is related to how ugly or how beautiful you think they are at the moment.  That would be cool.

5. WOW. You look like you’re about to POP!

• Let me tell you about how many people like to hear this statement…0.  Approximately 0 people want to hear this.  Whether or not you think it.  Whether or not it is true.  No one wants to hear that.  The translation in a pregnant woman’s head when she hears this is “LAWD JESUS YOU ARE HUMONGOUS. That baby must be falling out of you any damn second now”.  This is another one that is just, why? What compels you to say this out loud to someone?  I know this happens because it happened to me last week, while I was 30 weeks.  So, needless to say my response was snarky…”Nope. About 10 weeks left, but thanks.” Because I have decided I am not just going to hold onto the discomfort your comments make me feel, I’m going to send just a little bit back to you. It’s not open season on body commentary.

6. Can I rub your belly?  (Or worse, not asking).

• Can you imagine, in 2018, walking up to a woman who you do not know or think is pregnant and just rubbing her? Or asking to rub her? Hopefully your answer is no of course not that would be CRAZY, So, what the EFF. For some reason, when you are growing a tiny human, the rules just don’t apply?  There is exactly one person at work who I let rub my belly, and she knows who she is and that doesn’t bother me at all.  But, in general, just go ahead and don’t do that.  It’s so weird. People told me that would happen and I kind of didn’t believe them.  I am also not a big “random touch” fan in general. I like hugging people I am actually close with but not randos. If we are actually tight, and the baby is moving, and I ask you if you want to feel it, that is a totally different story.  That is an invitation, and a rare one at that.  I’m just referencing the random compulsion or even entitlement people seem to feel to have free range body touching because you’re pregnant. It’s weird AF, cut it out.

7. You are glowing.

• You might wonder, what is wrong with this?  It’s a compliment, right? Yes. Definitely.  You have an energy, aura, or whatever about you as a pregnant person that people can sense or feel. To me, glowing feels like someone is saying you look Shiny and Round.  LOL.  Because that is how I actually feel.   It’s the summer and I am currently 31 weeks pregnant so I am literally shiny from sweat most of the time.  And I feel like a ginormous swollen orb.  It is very nice for people to compliment you and mean that your skin is nice, which, is sometimes a pleasant side effect of the pregnancy hormones and/or vitamins.  But I think it is one of those funny things that is almost always only said to pregnant people.  Like, does anyone else ever have a glow to them?  I’m just wondering.

8. Just one piece of unsolicited advice…

• The way it is phrased, you know the people saying it already know it is kind of annoying.  LOL.  Like, I know you didn’t ask but I am just going to tell you this one thing. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few gems in there that I’ve stored for later use. But most things are very specific to that family or that child and I’ve learned to just smile and nod.  I’m sure I will reach out to some specific people with specific questions at one time or another.  But it’s as if once someone thinks or knows you are pregnant, they feel compelled to tell you some piece of advice.  Something that worked for them. Anything. There’s like a word vomit thing that happens that I find very intriguing.

These are just a few I’ve thought of or collected over the past almost 8 months. This is not a hater post, either.  I have done or said some of these things myself.  It’s habit, or culture, or societal norms in some cases.  And I know most of it comes from either a good place or a place of not knowing what to say and people just fill the void with something weird. But next time you come across a pregnant lady, just consider, would I say or do this to someone who wasn’t pregnant?  And if the answer is no, you should probz just skip it…

The long-awaited blog, which will surely not live up to any expectations because I am not even sure I can remember anything that happened in April anymore. LOL

Hopefully I can go back in time and remember all the feelings I had while on our big French excursion. We originally planned the trip back in October or November.  I won an award at work that came with a little money and we decided we could always use it towards house things, but after our last loss in the fall we figured we could probably use a change of scenery and something fun to look forward to.  We debated where to go, but everywhere tropical was out because Zika.  Just not worth the risk <——this will be a theme. But, Kenny had always wanted to go to Paris, and had only been to Europe once for our Honeymoon.  Plus I really like wine, cheese and bread. So, it was a win win.

We had a lot of recommendations of places to stay and things to do which was awesome. My only requirement was that we didn’t spend the entire week in Paris, and that I wanted a little seaside portion which is how we ended up spending the last few days in Nice.

Plans went well, everything was booked.  We did buy the expensive *any excuse* vacation insurance, which I have always skipped because why would I ever not go on my trip?  LOL If we’ve learned everything in our few years of marriage it has been, buy the goddamn insurance because you just don’t know.

Turns out, we came close to needing it.  January comes around and my dad passes away, the next day we get a positive pregnancy test. Whilst literally trying not to get pregnant (apparently badly).  But now all of a sudden our purposefully planned trip to make us wait and look forward to something in order to “make decisions later” has become an accidental baby-moon slash dad-sad distraction trip.  It just took on a whole other meaning.

*In the meantime I also figured the pregnancy would end, like all the others had.  And that the trip would sort of go back to the original reason it was planned.* Just being totally honest here.  But, then, LUCKILY everything went totally normal. So, then I had to have all these “So I am traveling to another country while pregnant what the eff do I do” convos with my doctor. And I was incredibly unprepared for that.  They were so nonchalant about everything.  Which I am grateful for, but I was like I can’t be nonchalant about any of this.  More or less they told me the second trimester was the best time to travel, to relax and enjoy it. But, then there were some guidelines. This scenario was one I could have never actually pictured, so I couldn’t really fathom.

I’ve got a few general topics below that I sort of gathered my thoughts into.  But a few things you should know about me first.  One, I am very type A and typically pretty high strung, and not chill. (I know, I know, people who actually know me are reading this and yelling DUH at their devices).  But, when I am on vacation I am not like that.  I actually prefer underplanned trips vs. over-scheduled/prepped.  I think because I am on vacation relatively infrequently, I like to save up all my relaxation for there.  I save my money, so I can spend foolishly for a short time (so fun by the way, wonder what that is like for people who can do that all the time?).  I like to roll with things, eat whenever, go wherever, try things and places. So, keep in mind my preferred vacation style-as compared to my normal self lol-while reading these things.

Flying

• I like flying, I know that’s weird.  Long flights don’t really bother me. I can kind of sleep anywhere, so I was ready.  But, I was given a bunch of rules.  And despite my carefree vacation mind, I am still a rule follower at the core.  The only thing they were worried about for the long flight was blood clots.  I guess you are more susceptible to them while pregnant because of the increased blood flow.  So, when you are at that elevation and typically not moving much, you are at a high risk.  So, I got to were these HOT compression socks.  And was told to get up a move around every 45 minutes.  On a 7+ hour flight, that is a lot of getting up.  The key was over-hydrate so you just have to keep peeing and that will make you get up.  ANNNNNNND we had originally selected our seats as window and middle because Kenny is a nice guy and I like to sleep on the window.  When we boarded the long flight over there I basically had a miniature breakdown thinking about how annoying I was going to be for the poor guy on the end.  And then Kalm-Kenny just told the guy I had to get up all the time because I was pregnant and we could either bother him the whole time or he could switch with me.  He smartly switched, although begrudgingly.  I watched a million movies to keep myself up and drank and peed about 2 gallons of water and then it went pretty much fine.

Other Travel

• Whoever said Paris was super easy to navigate was a bold faced liar or wasn’t there during a rail strike.  The Metro itself was actually very easy.  But you needed to take the rail from the airport.  Also, note to self, when you have two carry-ons, two checked bags, and two personal items, and one pregnant lady…just pay the goddamn overpriced Uber fee from the airport and don’t try to be super-cool-practial traveler and try to take the train.

Our trip started with me having a minor mental breakdown in the train station. After figuring out at the airport how to get the tickets, where to go, lugging all of our crap, we get on a train.  Then, it says this will be the last stop, or some pretty sounding version of that in French.  And we get dumped out at some random stop trying to figure out with all our luggage how to get to our stop. Also, I have to PEE SO BAD and there is no bathroom in sight.  We finally get to our stop and proceed to try and use a bathroom at several places with no luck and I think I might actually wet myself and just go home. Luckily Burger King for the win.  But we still couldn’t find out street and all the phone apps were failing us.  We ended up taking a taxi like less than a half a mile because we knew we were close, but couldn’t freaking find it.  Arriving at the hotel was so relieving I was close to tears.  Luckily it was a completely adorable place and they were super nice! Thank God, I thought I was going to lose my shit and we hadn’t even done anything yet.

Food

One of the reasons I was most excited to visit France was the food. DUH. But, as the trip got closer, I was thinking about what I could actually have or not have.  What was “allowed” or frowned upon.  Basically all the food rules related to pregnancy are up for debate and mostly recommendations.  Most of the information I got was that most of the guidelines are based on protecting you and baby from food borne illness because your immune system is compromised when pregnant. So, they recommend you avoid certain things in order to avoid the risk of getting illnesses like salmonella, e coli, etc.  BUT, the likelihood of you getting those things is still low.  It’s just that your body can’t handle it like normal and the baby could suffer. These things to avoid change from doctor to doctor, or website to website.  Some are more strict than others, mine was kind of middle of the road.  But the general gist was avoid dairy that isn’t pasteurized (unless it is cooked), avoid undercooked meat and watch caffeine intake.  Also, deli meat is often a no no because of how it is cooked, and how it is likely to contain bacteria (unless you heat it to a high temperature).

Also, at the traditional French restaurant where I ordered a steak well done and they almost threw me out, we got to meet Jemele Hill and her mom and they were awesome and super nice.  She even took a pic with us despite trying to hang there on the DL.

For the record many pregnant women eat these things, even at home, and have no issues.  But, me and my rule following self, and knowing my history, it just wasn’t worth the risk.

Things you should know about France: they undercook literally everything, serve tons of cured meat, and don’t pasteurize 90% of their dairy.  So, you can imagine I had a lot of interesting food situations to navigate. I learned how to ask for everything bien cuit (well done) and then point to my belly when they gave me a dirty look.  We ended up eating a lot of Italian food, which was not the plan, but it was everywhere.  Not that they are that far apart, but I was surprised.  Luckily everyone was pretty accommodating, but I felt annoying to have to be annoying at every restaurant.  Trying to focus on the menu and make sure I wasn’t missing anything that I should have said no to. Even ordering Gelato was nerve-wracking because was this milk pasteurized?  And how do I even ask that question? AHHH.

Ultimately I ended eating my weight in bread.  Bread is safe.  I did indulge in some gelato, mostly the dairy free ones though, just to be safe.  And ate a TON of French fries which luckily were basically everywhere and delicious.  I would love to say I feel like I got the true French cuisine experience, but I don’t think I did.  I was just too nervous to enjoy it, so I stuck with the basics.  Will definitely be eating a lot more fun things if we ever go back.

Drinks

Don’t have to say too much about drinks.  Even though I love myself a festive bevvie, I haven’t really found myself wanting one or being jealous of those around me. But….Paris is a whole other animal.  The entire city is sitting outside sipping delicious wine in cafes and I was like I will have sparkling water si vous plait.  I did find myself wishing we could do a wine tour or champagne flights or something. But it wasn’t too bad. My best friend was also in Paris with her friend, so we got to do a few things with her including seeing a risqué cabaret show that was actually awesome.  And what is a cabaret show without a bottle of bubbly?  They graciously gave me an extra glass and some nice sprite and I enjoyed my pretending.  I had never been on a vacation where drinking wasn’t a central part of it (maybe that is a problem?  LOL).  So, it was just weird to be on a trip where this was not a thing at all. Otherwise, I missed it less than I expected.  Although, if I am to go back, bubbles All.Damn.Day.

*Also, this outfit tho…

Sightseeing

 

One thing I didn’t really think about before we went at all was what kind of physical activity I should be expecting during all the sightseeing.  I guess, that was dumb of me?  I was just like churches, parks, old buildings, museums, what could be so bad?  I just underestimated the fatigue and how the jet lag would hit me differently given my current sitch.  It was very cool to see the Louvre and Versailles and Notre Damn and the Eiffel Tower.  But I was freaking exhausted.  Luckily my feet hadn’t turned into swollen bricks yet, but the amount of mileage I put on my sneakers was atrocious.

Also, ALL THOSE FREAKING STAIRS.  I was sorely underprepared for the stair situation at a lot of these places.  I did a lot of heaved over, waiving people passed me to take a breather.  It was a struggle I was not used to.  But tried to pace myself.  Still got to see almost everything we wanted to, tired AF, but still there.

Also, bathrooms.  There weren’t any.  I had just started the time period (which hasn’t ended yet) where as soon as I pee, and walk away, I have to pee again.  So I would plan accordingly and then still be in a panic moments later.  I developed a keen eye for scoping bathrooms from a far, but it was still a little stressful.

This is just a cute picture of Kenny 🙂

Overall

The trip was fun.  There were some good sights, good treats and a nice amount of relaxing.  But I’d be lying if I said it was the most relaxing trip I’ve ever been on.  I felt bad the whole time that I was reducing the amount of fun that Kenny was having because I was less fun. He would never say that, but I was not my “chill vacation self”. Not sure I would purposely plan a trip whilst pregnant again in the future.  Don’t know if it is really for me. But Nice, is dope AF and I would love to go back there.  Hit me up if you want to plan something for circa 5 years from now.