I had a lot of feelings yesterday, and I realized my feelings about Mother’s Day have shifted quite a bit for mostly obvious reasons.

First, let’s acknowledge not everyone was raised by a mom, has a mom in their life currently, or gets along with their mom. So, there is a whole heap of feelings associated with those things. But, in my case we are discussing the “has a pretty dope mom in their life” scenario.

Growing up, it was always fun figuring out with my dad what we were going to do or get for my mom.  She spends no time, money, or energy on herself because she spends all of those things on other people, like I said, dope. Although, she has gotten slightly better at this in her later years! So, it was nice to do a little cooking, cleaning, cards, gift certificates, or basically anything like that.  But no brunch.  Brunch buffet food is mediocre, and usually cold and that doesn’t fly with mumz.

But, nevertheless I’ve always thought of my mom, maybe grandmothers, godmothers, and eventually some other family and friends who became moms on this particular day.  I’ve never really thought about myself. Even as I reflect back I can’t really remember a time thinking this will be fun when I am a mom.

But, the last two years were a little tough, 2016 having had one chemical pregnancy and losing another right before Mother’s Day and then last year preparing for my first cycle of IVF.  There was this whole range of emotions, mostly longing, that I felt in addition to wanting to celebrate my own mom.  You see all these adorable FB posts (there goes social media stabbing you in the eye again) and then the memes about all the people the family would need to hire in order to cover the work of ONE MOM.  Not saying that is not legit by the way, but I’m sitting here on my laptop being like please give me all the laundry, bottle cleaning and whatever other chores you’re excited to give up for one day. I’m begging for it. Get at me later when I post that exact, or similar meme, in a few years LOL.  But, I’m just saying.

This year is a whole different animal.  This is the first Mother’s Day without my dad which feels ultra strange.  It was always a whole family affair. But we planned a pizza tour in Boston, so you can miss me with your bougie, expensive, stuffy brunches. 🙂

But, then, this weird thing started happening.  I was getting texts from friends and family wishing me a happy Mother’s Day, and I proceeded to ignore just about all of them mostly for lack of knowing a response.  I was like ??????  I am not yet a mother. I am lucky to be in a position where I will hopefully be a mother by next Mother’s Day, but I am MOS DEF not celebrating today.  Not begrudging any expectant moms who did celebrate, you do your thang girl.  I just couldn’t imagine it.

I think for those of us who have been pregnant, but do not have children, there is this an extra weight of concern and tempered emotion.  For me personally, you can call me mom when I am holding my screaming baby, and not before.  I appreciated all of the nice notes and sentiments, don’t get me wrong, but it made me realize that I really don’t put myself in that category yet.  Despite any registering, or day care inquiries (*insert panic*), or nursery color schemes picked out.  I feel like I haven’t crossed that mom threshold yet.  And, while I am excited to do so, I just can’t accept any well wishes on Mother’s Day any other way than super awkward and avoid-ish.

I hope all the mommas out there had an amazing day doing whatever it is you hoped to be doing.  I hope all the expectant mothers handled it however heezy they wanted to. And sending all the love, peace and strength to all of those out there who can now only wish to be celebrating that day someday.

❤