*Mostly.

2017 was *mostly* hot garbage.  I don’t want to lump it all together and pour gasoline on the dumpster fire that it was, but I have 0 sad feelings about letting it go.  BYE-FE-LICIA; as happy to wish farewell to 2017 as I was to do the same to that saying. When I think about 2017 I think about strife and struggle and sadness, but I forced myself to dig through the darkness and notice the moments, both good and bad.

My dad lost part of his leg after a long battle wth Type II Diabetes, but we were showered with extreme generosity from friends and family after that which was beyond touching.  We went through an intense house hunt, and lost a BUNCH of houses (damn sellers market!), but finally got the perfect place for us which we’ve made into a home over the last few months.  Kenny left the job that has been a home for him for the past several years, but took on a new adventure which has provided him lots of new opportunities to grow.  We saw lots of friends find love, get married, have babies and have experienced joy through their joy.  I took my mom on a bomb vacation for her birthday.  My parents sold their townhouse and moved into a nice, accessible place super close to us.  Work and students provided lots of challenges, but I also won a pretty cool award in the spring.  I built some new friendships and rekindled others.  I published a blog putting all my biznass out onto the internet for all to read.  And, I felt the worst pain I could imagine feeling…multiple times.  But, I also survived.

Later on in life, when I look at 2017, I don’t think it will be my favorite year. Actually, I know it won’t be my favorite.  Pretty much it was trash. The highs were quite high, but the lows were the lowest.  And my memories of the lows, I know, will remain fresher than any of the highs.

In general, I do like to reflect at the end of a year, and I like the concept of a fresh start of sorts.  I am proud that I survived this year. That sounds mad dramatic.  I am a Leo, so.

But, I don’t know if I can honestly say the cliche “I came out stronger” and really believe that.  To be honest, I feel like I was pretty strong already, which is why I survived this mess of a year to begin with.  I come from a pretty long line of tough AF broads, we go through shit, we handle it, and we move on; from the little things to the real stuff.   While I had a lot of the real stuff, I am thankful I had, as my parents my say, the “intestinal fortitude” to somehow manage.  That plus lots of support from friends and family and, plenty of really fun distractions.

I’ve never been a resolution person. I feel like it’s all talk, not a lot of action.  And I hate no action.   I liked this post I saw my friend share on IG:

With that quote in mind, here I go.  Intentions, backed with action.  I do prefer to look forward than backward, because backward is kind of a sad shitshow of tears and doctors, so let’s talk 2018.  Here are some things I want to think about or focus on in 2018:

1. The number, like it, it sounds good. (Full of logic, right?) The Hebrew word for life has a numerical value of 18, I remember my grad school roommate telling me 18 was an important number in the Jewish faith and that her and her siblings all have 18 letters in their full names.  I thought that was cool.   So I am hanging on to it, 18, life, living mine and hopefully (somehow) creating another life.
2. Recommitting to taking care of myself.  This year has really effed up my feelings about my body.  Like REALLY.  I’ve always had a love hate relationship with the way my body looked, regardless of how fit or not I was.  But I never really had any issues with how it WORKED.  Like, when I did eat healthy or worked out, things worked, and I felt and looked better.  Internally, it did all the things it was supposed to do, luckily.  Cool.  But this year was different.  It did none of the things it was supposed to do, or that it wanted to. It actually did the opposite.  And then when I was going through periods of time where I wasn’t allowed to work out for weeks and wasn’t allowed to eat anything with folic acid (look that up, it’s a long list of everything good for you), it was like cool I will store all your fat cells like a hibernating bear.  LOL.  So, this year, it’s just about getting back to normal.  Back to healthy habits and healthy routines which I was able to maintain for years before this nonsense.  I’m not doing a diet, kind of don’t believe in those.  But healthier choices and reasonable portions are on the agenda, and back to my fitness routine, which I actually always liked.  Just looking forward to feeling like myself again.  Unfortunately, this plan coincides with everyone else on the planet joining the “tight train” at the same time, but I’ve never been motivated by group think.  I’m either in it, or not.  I usually wake up on a Wednesday and just decide “I’m going to be less chubby now”, and just do it.  So, anyway, me and Kenny are committed to taking better care of ourselves overall: sleep consistently, eat better, move more, the whole 9.
3. I signed up for a support group for pregnancy loss which I am actually really excited about. (*side note, can you be excited about a support group for pregnancy loss??). First one is in January, and I look forward to whatever that may bring.  Collective cry circles, or whatever.
4. Do. More. Shit.  I spent so much of last year hiding out, avoiding people, pictures, events, etc., I am excited to say yes and do more.  Partially we were hunkered down saving money to buy the house, which worked, WOO!  Then, we bought the house and were hunkered down not having any more money.  Still, technically in that part, but what. Then, it was just too hard to pretend to be happy when I was just sad.  Don’t want to be the one bringing down the mood all the time.  I was always the mostly positive, “Sally Brightside”, so I didn’t want to go from that to being Daria. 2018 will be the year of doing things.
5. Grieving.  This sounds somewhat counter to the rest of my list, but it needs to happen.  Grief is a process, it takes time, and it is not linear.  I found this article right after talking with a friend: Grief. The idea that you could get exactly what you want and still have something to grieve feels strange, but it is real.  Check out this article, it was on point!
6. Soul search. We are at a crossroads as far as this baby journey goes.  We are spending the first 1/4 of the year just feeling out what we want to do next.  Are we ready to utilize donor “products”, if so, which ones? Do we want to keep trying on our own, if so, for how long?  Do we want to try and sell body parts and go towards a private adoption.  We are spending some time just living life so hopefully the answer(s) will sort of come to us.

There’s a lot to do, a lot to think about, a lot to consider.  I am currently anti-hope.  That sounds terrible, right?  But, it’s the damn truth.  Hope hasn’t gotten me anywhere yet.  It’s not so much that I don’t have any, it’s just that focusing on that hasn’t been fruitful.  Instead, I am trying to focus on the things I can actually control. My body. My mind. My spirit.  I will take care of those things in 2018 and then we’ll just see what the hell happens from there.

And, if all else fails, if I get sad when thinking about 2017, I’ll just remember I met the mother-effing BACKSTREET BOYS.