Oh, hello.  Your favorite delinquent blogger here!  I would blame my lack of blogging on traveling to work conferences almost the entirety of November.  But, it honestly had more to do with me having absolutely no energy whatsoever (maybe because I’m chubby? Maybe because I’m bored of telling sad stories? Who even knows anymore lol).  Nevertheless, here I am. Back again. Colleen’s back. Tell a friend.

**IF YOU ARE NOT CURRENT (OR AT LEAST UP TO THE 2ND TO LAST EPISODE) ON THIS IS US, CLOSE THIS SITE, SHUT OFF YOUR COMPUTER, CATCH UP AND THEN COME BACK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

I thought about not watching the end of this season.  I actually saw a bunch of articles about people not watching it because it was definitely triggering for any of us who have dealt with infertility or pregnancy loss. If you don’t watch the show at all, you’re missing out, but have also probably saved a lot of money in tissues.  It is a cry fest every week for me, but I’m a sap anyway.  Though the last couple of episodes have been extra given the content.

Truth is, I saw this coming from the early episode where Kate was being weird working out a bunch and being shady around Toby.  As soon as she walked into the pharmacy I was like…I know what this is.  There was a tiny piece of me thinking is she getting diet pills or something, but 97% of me said she’s knocked up.  And then they end the episode with her at the GYN doing an ultrasound and confirming she is 6 weeks.  Of course this isn’t really accurate, because they don’t usually do an ultrasound that early, but still.  But since it was a “geriatric pregnancy” (WHAT A TERM!) and her weight, it is possible.

The timing was atrocious because I had just passed 6 weeks but also knew the pregnancy wasn’t viable.  So, obviously, the episode ended with me in a fight with Kenny. Because, that makes sense. Duh.  Legit though, I told him how the episode ended and he was like oh…should I wear these jeans tomorrow?  And I looked at him with the crazy eyeballs.

Nothing inside of you said “Self, maybe you should have a different reaction to this statement.  Or realize this might suck for her?”

But, I related so much to her feelings when she told Toby and told him he wasn’t allowed to be excited because stats said this would not last and he needed to calm down.  But then his excitement was infectious and she started to get excited as well, even with that little voice in the back of her head saying hooooooooold up.  She finally told her family and things were progressing as they should.  So, each time you get a good report (I don’t really know how that feels tho haha) you get more and more hopeful.

As a fan of the show, I was hoping that they would go the less expected route, and actually have her pregnancy go normally.  Since there is so much heartbreak and drama in the show, you almost knew something bad would happen, the question was just when it would.  But I thought maybe they’d hit us with the okeydoke and everything would go swimmingly with other drama somewhere else.

They did one episode per triplet.  First was Kevin, and his was a mess.  Damn.  I am worried for him for real though.  He kept getting phone calls from Kate he was ignoring, so I knew.  Then Toby called, and if you weren’t sure before, now you were.  But then at the end they jus told you. So, in my head I am thinking, ok, am I watching next week?  maybe I will play it by ear.  See where my emotional state is at the moment and decide.

But, after reading a few posts about people not watching I decided I wanted to see it.  I wanted to see if I could relate.  I wanted to see if they portrayed it accurately.  Not that every circumstance is the same, but still.  I wanted to see it. I sob through every episode anyway so what’s the difference?

So I cozied up on the couch with a blanket and a lot of tissues and Kenny left because he hates this show. I took notes on my phone because I wanted to remember the moments that stood out and my initial reactions.  And, here they are, for your reading pleasure:

• How could I be this sad?
  • This part was actually in the preview.  And I connected so much to it.  Because all of my losses were so early in the process it feels like I shouldn’t be that sad yet.  Things didn’t even show up on screens yet.  But, yet…
• I knew him already
  • If this is something you wanted before, or even figured out after you found out you wanted, you connect with the clump of cells from the jump. You start picturing things, even if your brain tells you to wait it out, your heart pictures holidays and outfits and all kinds of stuff.  So, even when it is early it is still soul crushing.
• What if this was my fault?
  • The feeling of fault hit me the most.  Especially because she felt so much guilt about her body and her weight and whether that was the problem.  Even if logically you know that the healthiest, fittest, most organic eating women lose pregnancies all the time, and it isn’t because of that…inside you still think you could have prevented this or you cause this.
• I feel like I took this from Toby
  • Ugh, this one got you right in the feels.  His reaction when she told him was so priceless and precious.  Like this was his lifelong dream.  It was adorable.  And to be the temporary home of the lifelong dream and then lose it, ugh.  The pain.
• Vitamins. List of Questions. HCG.
  • In the beginning of the episode they show shots of the kitchen table with prenatal vitamins, a green shake, a list of questions for the doctor she was going to ask but never got to.  Everything just brought back all I have been through the last two years.  Especially the “making sure HCG levels are doubling every two days.” If I never had to hear the letters HCG used ever again I would be thrilled.
• “You can go back to living your life”
  • The scene where they are in the hospital and the doctor or nurse is giving her the rundown.  This happens a lot, this doesn’t mean it can’t happen again, now that we know you can get pregnant you can try again, you can go back to living your life.  Oh really?  Can I?  Sure, you try it.  Just go live life…ok lady.
• Ignoring calls and texts
  • This part is legit.  I didn’t do a lot of ignoring calls or texts, but more avoiding reaching out myself.  I didn’t want to be social really, but I also felt like I didn’t have anything fun or positive to talk about either.  I also didn’t want to say the words to anyone I cared about.
• I’m going to work!
  • When she storms out of the apartment the next day going to work because “she has to” I was like YES.  This is me. I am sure this is a lot of us.  You don’t know what else to do.  You probably should stay home and sleep and cry and whatever else, but it is almost easier to just resume daily life and pretend. But then…
• Watching the child dancing
  • Every freaking thing you try and do to distract yourself from your sadness baby shit pops up.  She’s singing at a restaurant at lunch and this adorable little girl starts dancing to her song.  She is doing just fine but then you see her face see the mom taking pictures of her and loving watching this moment and you think…I thought I was going to have this moment.  Maybe I won’t ever have it.  it happens to me all the time.  I came home from finding out my 2nd IVF cycle failed and saw 5 baby commercials in a row.  FIVE. Every time you’re at work and people are telling goofy stories about their kids, things they think don’t matter, and you think wonder if I will ever have these stores.  It’s EVERYWHERE.
• Mom.
  • When her mom shows up and she just collapses.  I basically did that exact same thing.  There’s something about mom.  But then even that hurts because you think you want to be that person for someone else.
• Seeing someone you love in pain
  • Toby’s monologue when Kate was being a d*ck to him.  So on point.  I also respond to extreme pain with extreme dickery. Defense mechanism 101.  But his speech to her about wanting to be there for her and knowing it was her body and trying to be the strong one, but this happened to him too.  DAMN son.  And when he goes to try and intercept the baby bath at Fedex, spending hours there trying to prevent something from hurting her worse. “The worst part of seeing someone you love in pain is not being able to do anything about it.  Just try not to make it worse.”  I didn’t ask Kenny, but I think he would say that was pretty accurate.
• Eating feelings
  • When she storms out of her performance and walks directly to a buffet.  Girl displayed some strength walking away from the big plate of feelings she was about to eat.  But the search for anything to provide her comfort was so relatable.
• Shower curtain
  • The actual way her miscarriage happened was very dramatic.  And I know sometimes they actually do happen like that.  But none of mine did, all terrible slow burns.  But the idea that walking around your house you see things that just remind you of that and Toby wanted to throw the thing away immediately. I cannot blame them.

Overall I thought they did a pretty good job fitting into a one your episode how this really feels, for so many of the people involved. At the end of watching the video I wrote a little blurb that combined my feelings with what I thought Kate was feeling.

It’s never just bleeding or losing a clump of cells.  It’s losing all your hopes and dreams.  Everything you’ve already envisioned despite trying to force yourself not to.  Its the idea of telling your parents the exciting news, it’s how you see your child playing with their cousins, it’s hairdos you’ve pictured, nursery color schemes, even fears of how you’ll pay for child care.  All of those things flash in such a short time after finding out you are pregnant and then in a blink again they’re gone.  Or in m case drawn out over weeks of questions and wondering.

Even though I sobbed uncontrollably I am grateful the experience was put out for the public to see.

I’ll be back.  Sooner than later.  ❤