You know when something bad happens to someone at work, everyone gets together and tries to help? Send flowers, write a card, make a casserole.  It’s a lovely gesture, and I know from being on the receiving end of it, it is most definitely appreciated.  But…

When the F*CK am I going to stop being the person who gets the freaking casseroles?!?!  It’s usually a thing that kind of rotates.  Someones kid breaks an ankle, someone’s grandmother passes, someone finds out both their embryos are abnormal, you know the usual. I’m so over people feeling bad for me.

It just feels like I’ve been the only one needing casseroles for like a year and a half, and even though they are delicious, and I don’t wish the casserole need on anyone else, I am done.  I am so sick of people saying “when are you going to catch a break” and “you’ve had a rough year” and “I really thought things would be on an upswing for you”.  Yeah, I agree with all this shit. I’ve been really struggling with this part lately.  I think because I had so much hope and positivity going into my IVF cycle and then it was crushed so definitively and quickly, it’s like I need casserole more than ever.

My friend Ashley from Feel.Fire.Flow (feelfireflow.com highly recommend) shared this article the other day that felt like it was my brain emptied out into someone else’s.  It was strange but also comforting.  Melissa Rauch from Big Bang Theory (fun fact I don’t enjoy that show at all, sorry Melissa) announced her pregnancy in the most authentic way for Glamour.  I felt like maybe she has been listening to me talk or maybe reading this (lol I wish) because she sounded so much like my inner monologue.  Please take a moment to read this whether you can relate or not to anything I write about here.  You will either appreciate it for its realness or it can help you understand how those of us who’ve been through pregnancy loss have felt in the roller coaster of emotions that comes with the territory: Glamour

I’ve sat down to write this blog post every couple of days for the last couple of weeks.  I’ve felt guilt for not doing the once or twice a week that was my original goal.  But I just haven’t had it in me.  Check out my last post to get caught up in my journey and perhaps understand why I haven’t had the umph to get typing (There’s Nothing Funny About This Post.).

But, I just got back from a week in my favorite place, York Beach, Maine:

I finally felt the energy to put some words down on “paper” again. Trying to keep up the hope in what feels like an actual SEA (ocean picture pun intended) of pregnant people around me has been extremely difficult.  It always has been but this moment has been a particular suckfest. Hoping this is going to kick start me back into the consistent writing as we embark on the next step.  One thing my counselor at the Fertility office told me was when I am feeling really down and sad to try and do things that feel authentic to the way I want to live my life, instead of burying myself in a dark room under a blanket (that latter being most likely, let’s be honest).  But, I realize that a more regular fitness regimen and writing the blog were both things that were therapeutic and part of my wellness routine that had been working for my overall wellbeing in this hot mess that is my current life.

So, here I am back at it. One could say “Oh my God we’re back againnnnn”, not really, but I felt that it was an appropriate time to include a Backstreet Boys Gif.