I think my “calling card” for this blog has been a mix of honesty, sadness with humor mixed in.  But I can’t find it in my soul to write anything funny in this post.  I don’t remember having as much hope as I did going into the IVF cycle.  I just felt in my heart that this was the way we would be able to create the family we always wanted. And, it may still be.  But, not this time.

For a review, everything started off great.  Cycle went well.  Had almost no symptoms, actually was maybe calmer than I am on a non-hormonal day.  We got 9 eggs from the cycle, and found out the next day that all 9 fertilized (which is very high, typically around 70% for my age).  Then I had to wait a few days until they got to day 5.  On day 5 I got an email from the doctor’s office that I had 2 that made it to testing.  TWO.  I was pretty surprised and a little disappointed.  But also kept telling myself that I only NEED one, that’s all.  So, not to be too discouraged.

A week after the retrieval I got a call from the testing location saying they received the embryos and that my results would come from my doctor in about a week.  But, that Friday (only two days after that call), I got a call that I knew was from my doctor’s office and I knew it wasn’t good.  I just knew in my head they wouldn’t call me this fast with good news.  It wasn’t my doctor, but a covering one, who called to say “Unfortunately both of your embryos tested with chromosomal abnormalities. I’m so sorry.”

Out of all the sad phone calls I have gotten at work in the last two years, this was by far the worst one.  It hit me like a punch in the gut.  Maybe because I had so much hope.  Maybe because it was earlier than I even thought I would hear anything. Maybe because I had nothing left.  Nothing.  But I was a disaster.  Luckily in the middle of an orientation session I was running (sarcasm).  My coworkers found me basically in a puddle on the floor of my office.

I drove home trying to call everyone I thought might be able to talk to me.  Definitely shouldn’t have been driving, but also definitely couldn’t stay at work either.  Called my husband, but he was at work at an event and while he was talking to me couldn’t really have any emotions in his current location, so nothing about that conversation actually helped me. I felt like every sad song in the universe was on the radio during that commute home.  Maybe that helped me get out all the tears though.

Finally got a hold of my mom and she came over.  And then Kenny came home early from work.  I just sat in a dark corner of my new house in silence.  Didn’t want to watch or do anything.  Of course when I turned on the TV, there was only baby commercials on #daytimetv.  So, that was great.

But basically I felt hopeless. I had nothing left to give, physically or emotionally.  I also decided, it was obviously me.  My eggs must be broken, my body must not be creating anything that actually worked since this happened plus my four losses on my own. It was a spiral of shittiness that lasted on and off that whole weekend.  To add to things, my doctor was on vacation and they originally couldn’t get me in until the 18th of July.  But that appointment was supposed to be discussing implantation which I had to wait for anyway.  Now that I had doom and gloom, I couldn’t wait that long.  Luckily they were able to get me a sooner appointment.

I talked to a lot of people, and almost nothing helped to be honest.  Despite people’s best efforts, nothing anyone was going to tell me was going to get me out of that dark place mentally.  The thing was, I was prepared for the first cycle not to take.  I knew it often didn’t.  What I wasn’t prepared for was not even having anything we could use to try.  Not even being able to get to implantation and then the dark rabbit hole of why is this happening.  This must be a bad sign, we must not have a chance.

The only thing I heard that gave me any solace at that moment was one person who successfully completed IVF before who said she was told by someone else before she had a success “don’t give up until the doctor tells you there’s no chance”.  And I was like ok, until that happens, there is still a chance.  And while there is still a chance, I’ll keep going.

I have to.