Because that’s me today. OVER. IT.

My new title should be Delinquent.  I keep apologizing for writing so late.  My life has been a whirlwind and hot mess express. Some things are nonsense, and non-complain-worthy, others are legit SHITTY and just trying to manage it all.

Kenny and I are in the house hunt process.  If you haven’t done it let, let me tell you, it’s a whole goddamned thing.  I’ve never emailed the same piece of paper this many times.  Every time you think you’re good, trust me when I tell you, you’re not.  So don’t bet on it.  Fingers crossed all goes well.  But it has been a stress inducing mess.  And today was our mortgage deadline, so even though we submitted about 38987290329592 documents 2.5 weeks ago, this morning they told us one thing we sent didn’t “count”, but what we need is in New York…soooooo do that math.  So I spent a ridiculous amount of time today emailing, calling, texting, faxing, trying to make sure something I cannot produce is good to go.  AH. It is being taken care of, but I just will never understand a situation that does not have to be stressful, being turned into an emergency for no reason.  Anyway, everyone send good house vibes our way because that would be great.

I’ve also been waiting for a phone call from the specialty pharmacy I’m supposed to get my IVF meds through.  I have 5 different medications.  First the pharmacy my doctor’s office uses said they weren’t in network, so they referred me to their partner in Maine.  Because it definitely makes sense that the one in Maine would be in-network but the one in Mass wouldn’t…but surprise, that one was cool.  Nothing makes sense to me anymore ya’ll, nothing.  Today I got a call about one of the medications which required a pre-authorization.  Weird to me that one out of 5 in a system would need that.  But, they called me today to let me know my insurance denied it.  Ready for the explanation?

Because they “didn’t like what I was using it for”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

So, my options are: appeal it, but I am supposed to start using it next week so that won’t work or  (2) pay out of pocket for it for no reason.  I will call them tomorrow to give them a very polite, but not exactly having any time for this BS, piece of my mind.  And we’ll see what they say.  But they have the power, because I need it, so I am obviously going to pay for it if I need to. Hard eye roll.

Finally, and most importantly, my dad was hospitalized for a pretty serious infection this week.  He had to have a severe, emergency surgery because of the infection and will have a long, difficult recovery moving forward.  It has obviously taken a huge toll on him, but also my mom as his primary caregiver and the rest of the family as well.  I’ve been trying to be a good daughter visiting often, and tagging in so my mom can have a break or two in there.  But it will continue to be a challenge for the whole fam I am sure.

So I am legit sitting in his hospital room, trying to get the nurses and pcas to change his sweaty bedclothes and check his vitals, while texting and emailing about a mortgage document, while answering a phone call about my freaking denied ivf medication, while getting advice about his discharge and advocating and where he should go to rehab and all the while I can’t even get them in here to give the dude a new johnny.

I also had my fertility therapist appointment this morning.  I went once before and liked it, although I sobbed the whole time (Clearly).  This time was great.  I actually left feeling pretty refreshed before the rest of this shit storm kicked into gear.  How does someone know the insides of your brain after only talking with you for an hour?  She read me like a book, I just kept saying yeahhhhhhhh that sounds about right.  The thing that stuck with me the most was (paraphrased) “If you have an achievement driven personality, and you attribute your success directly to amount of effort, then when failure occurs you automatically connect with effort or lack thereof.  So, if you, for example, ‘fail’ on a fertility cycle, then your first thought is what did I not do or what could I have done. Which is so dangerous to your psyche because this was actually not in your control and yet you’re still taking the blame because that is how you have determined success or failure on anything else in your life.”

Mic drop.  This has been my thought process this entire time.  It’s exhausting.  And it hurts.  My homework until my next appointment is to notice when I have these feelings, and when I do, what is my reaction (actual or in my head).  I am curious to see what I notice.  But this is how my mind works to a T, and I found it fascinating.  My other favorite thing she said was “Everyone thinks the right thing to say is to relax, except therapists and counselors who know that is the exact wrong thing to say and totally detrimental.” Thank you, ELIZABETH! (*insert praise hands emoji here*)

My head has been spinning and I think I’m ready to say sayonara to this day and just start fresh again tomorrow.  Because this day is bullshit. And as my friend Gav might say, on a day such as this, I. Literally. Can. Not. Even.

To end on a funny note.  One of my friends sent this picture with the caption ‘Even my plant is ultra-fertile.  What the fuck.” And it just made me laugh so hard. Sometimes when you want to punch things, just laugh at plants with babies instead. 🙂

Until next time my friends.