Sorry for the mini hiatus, friends. I spent the week in Disney World with 216 liquored up college seniors, so I didn’t exactly have much time to write! 🙂
On this eve of Mother’s Day, I’ve been a little sensitive and emotional. I’m sure it has a little to do with an extreme lack of sleep from this past week, plus my period doesn’t help either. But, it’s been a tough few days. After being up until 4am, and wrangling all the students back to Boston, I learned of a close friend of my husband’s wife’s pregnancy via her business’ website while on the plane. For some reason, reading it that way felt like a punch to the gut. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her or them, but that this was a close friend and I never expected to learn that level of big news that way. So, it was just shocking. Plus we just saw them a few months ago, and they were legit still debating whether they were going down that road or not. So, it seems it happened pretty quickly for them which always just gives me a jealousy pang wishing our journey ended up that way.; that when we decided to try, we just blinked an eye and it happened. (*Note, I actually have no idea if that is how it happened for them but it’s what it feels like in this shocked moment). Turns out Kenny got a phone call from his friend with the news while I was in Florida, and was waiting to tell me their big announcement in person, but I saw it online first which he wasn’t expecting either.
The worst is that I was upset that I was upset. These are friends, I should just be thrilled for them and nothing else. But I was that, and also sad. I think the announcement coming so close to Mother’s Day just made it hit home so much more. That, plus the endless commercials on tv leading up to it; cute babies, and cards, and flowers, and everything. It just is a painful reminder of what I am not, and what I cannot yet celebrate despite my hopes and dreams and efforts.
But all that sadness and wishfulness and jealousy is also wrapped up in excitement and hope because we are about to embark on our ivf cycle. After getting my period is Disney World (who HOPES for that, honestly), I called the doctor and they gave me my list of instructions. I am currently in the suppression phase, which is essentially take the birth control pill for a couple of weeks. Seems so counterintuitive, but they basically want to be in control of when things grow and release. So, they are like “whoooooooa there, you wait there until we tell you what to do, eggs”.
So, I am waiting to my big fancy delivery next week…aka a bunch of drugs and a sharps case. I’m mildly terrified, but won’t start that part until early June. So I’ve got lots of time to get myself all worked up and in my own head about it. Perfect.
This Mother’s Day has been one where I think about all of the losses I’ve been through, and what could have been, and it has been pretty rough leading up to it. But I have a feeling that next Mother’s Day will be a very different experience. And I will get to enjoy some shitty homemade gifts and cheesy cards like the rest of the moms out there. 🙂