“We’re gonna need a bigger speculum.”

Put that on the top of the list of things you never want to hear.  Went in to the gyn this morning for my annual exam.  I had to squeeze it in (no pun intended) before my scheduled IVF cycle after a variety of delays and rescheduling.

It was originally scheduled for January, which was my one year.  But when I called last May to say I had a positive test, the first thing the lady did on the phone was “go ahead and cancel your pap because you won’t be needing that!”  Very reassuring, but perhaps a little premature.  Was still hoping I wouldn’t be “needing it” so I didn’t reschedule until it was just about past due.

Scheduled it for February, and surprise! I got another positive test, so I had to reschedule again.  Then, I had to reschedule again after I had the ectopic because they couldn’t do it due to excessive bleeding. YUCK.  And finally had to reschedule because of a funeral.

But, I had to have it done before I could start IVF, so I begged them to find me something.  Had to go to a different lady than my usual.  It was the MOST annoying appointment I’ve ever had.  I have a bit of a trauma response when I go to the office.  When I first went, I loved my nurse practitioner and really liked the practice overall.  But since then, I’ve only been in there for awful reasons.  So, now just thinking about that office makes me sad.

So, today when I went in there and they gave me the full medical history paperwork, I was like…ummmmmm I’m not a new patient.  They seemed confused, and then said it is still the right paperwork after checking the computer.  But as I started filling this out, I just got more annoyed.  Why even maintain a relationship with a doctor, if you have to fill all of this out.  Also, B T DUBS, all of my doctors are within this overall practice.  So, every appointment, procedure, bloodwork, etc., is all in the system.  I don’t know what it was but having to write down the dates and circumstances of each of my losses at the office where I experienced all of them was infuriating.  I will be writing them a strongly worded letter.  I understand my annual was over a year ago, but I’ve seen you three times in the meantime, and you’re the ones who referred me to a fertility specialist.  So, you have all these answers, why make me go through this again?  Might as well have gone to a brand new doctor.

All that before the lovely experience of the pap itself.  All my ladies understand. This BLOWS.  But the funny thing is, it seemed like nothing compared to all this other crap I’ve had done this year.

This is TMI.  Not that this entire blog isn’t TMI, but still.  You’ve been warned.  Feel free to skip ahead.  Apparently, I’ve been told my entire adult live, my cervix is “difficult”.  It has been described as tilted, facing downward, impossible, hidden, and many other things.  So, now, it has become a habit to warn people.  Also, for my own benefit so they aren’t down there do a goddamn mining expedition with a headlamp and tools.

But, the docs are always like “yeah ok, I’ll be the judge” and this one was no different.  She is down in the vicinity, and does the take a deep breath thing, (like, ok that will definitely help), and then after a few minutes of weird grunts and hmmms and exasperation, she looks up and says, “I think we’re gonna need a bigger speculum”.

I actually laughed pretty loud at her, and then basically said, “do your thing, whatever you need”.  Finally she got it together and I was all good.  But I don’t know what about this experience made me so angry.  At the end she says “eat lots of fruits and vegetables, exercise a lot (actually the opposite of what I’ve been told by the specialist), and gets lots of sunshine.”  Lady, you went to med school to tell me to eat produce outside and I will get pregnant?  THANKS.

Alright vent over.  I’m currently on period watch.  When I get it, I’ve been instructed to call the fertility specialist and await further instruction; like I’m a spy in a Bond movie.

Here. We. go.