Spent the past two mornings at my favorite place, aka the Fertility Specialist, aka Fert Spesh. Actually no, I don’t really call it that.
Yesterday I finally had a meeting with the counselor that works for the practice. They had been telling me about her since circa October, and at first said I’d receive a call from her to schedule. Then gave me her number to call myself. And I just simply didn’t. No real reason. I just couldn’t find the time, but was looking forward to going actually. I went to therapy about once a month when living in Rhode Island and really enjoyed it. Just the act of unloading all your stress and thoughts onto an impartial audience was quite nice. But when I moved out of RI, I just never found another one. Given everything going on it was certainly apropos to go back.
For those of you wondering, she did employ the 45 degree head tilt method. But lucky for her, I was already crying walking down the hallway to her office, so she cannot be blamed. As soon as I got into the building, the tears started welling. Mostly because I knew that I was going to have to recap the whole shebang for her and was not excited about it.
Overall the session was good, and we booked a few others. I’ll bring the hubs aka Kenny, aka Brown Sugar-Yes, I actually do call him that sometimes ;)-to the next one. But she asked not so much about the medical happenings, but about how I have handled everything emotionally-work, friendships, relationship, personal well being, and overall enjoying life. On a scale from 1-10, I told her, I feel like I’m about at a 2.5 on those categories.
Work. I feel like I am getting things done. But I don’t feel confident I am working to my utmost ability. I’d consider myself a “high achiever” so when I don’t see the results I am expecting, I definitely internalize that I am not producing at the level I expect from myself. So that has been difficult, but I keep talking myself into “giving myself grace”, that I am still working hard and pulling my weight in the team. Hopefully.
Friendships. I guess I should ask them? LOL But I think that I’ve made a concerted effort to try and dedicate time to stay caught up with them and not be a shitty friend. But I’ve had some pretty dark moments where I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone, and other times where I have definitely talked like the MicroMachines man incessantly about my drama. Selfissssh. But my friends are great, whether they can relate to this situation or not, and that I have appreciated now during this mess more than ever.
Relationship. My quote to the counselor was “I think it has brought out the worst in me, and the best in Kenny.” Which I do believe. I’m what you might call an “Independent Woman”. I tend to be part of team #GSD (Get Shit Done), and I don’t often need (or ask for) help from people. So, when I am kind of pitiful and needing to be cared for, I think a part of Kenny actually enjoys it. And I have needed him quite a bit during all of this. He’s been doing his share and 3/4 of mine in overall household duties; cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. So, basically I am a monster, and he is a dream. Even when I hate him for not knowing how to support me through my meltdowns (see: Resentment 101 lol).
Personal well being. Questionable. I’ve mentioned before, but I definitely have a love hate relationship with my body. I’d say 86% hate, 14% love. I’ve kind of yo-yo’ed with weight most of my adult life, always being pretty active, but ya girl loves to eat. And my appetite is insatiable #ThanksGrannie. But I did get her legs, so I think it’s a fair trade. Anyway, in 2012 I got up one morning, weight myself, practically shat myself, and decided to GET MY LIFE TOGETHER. That year I lost over 40 pounds doing quasi weight watchers on my own and Insanity. And I maintained most of the weight loss and healthy habits through the wedding. Before the wedding I went on a bride diet which was essentially a paleo/whole 30 thing. It was a goddamn nightmare, but I sucked it up for the short term and it did work. The bod was pretty bangin’ at the wedding.
I gained a few pounds when I got back but I wasn’t worried because I knew that would happen and didn’t plan on maintaining any type of non-dairy, grain, sugar diet for any length of time. But with all this fertility drama I have definitely “tacked on some mass” as my brother would say. One might say I’ve been eating all of my feelings:
And, on top of that there have been long stretches during my issues where I have not been allowed to workout. Even had to stop teaching my fitness classes for a few weeks at a time. So, the routine-totally effed. I have actually being doing WW for the past 5 weeks with good success, just putting myself into a structure is where I live in my happy place. And with no structure or plan in any other part of what is happening, it’s been good. Working back up to the fitness level, but the struggle is beyond real on this front.
*The guilt of what I am eating or not eating and whether that helps or hurts my situation is also on a steady loop in my brain at practically all times. Totally “relaxed”.
Overall Enjoying Life. She talked a lot about even with the grief of pregnancy loss, it is important to find ways to enjoy life. She asked how I was doing with that, and I basically said-meh. I am just always running, running, running. From thing to thing to thing. I love spending time with my friends, and getting together and going to shows, etc. But I have felt over the past few months that I needed to force myself to slow down a bit, rest, recover, etc. There have been moments of enjoying life for sure. Lots and lots of welcome and great distractions. But there have also been moments where I should be enjoying things, but I am just too sad. Or someone will say something that they don’t know hurts and I am snapped out of the whole enjoyment factor. I know she is right, so I am making a concerted effort on this one. I never knew enjoying life could be something I had to actually put work into. I guess I am lucky there.
My second morning spent at FertSpesh (It’s so gross I might just keep using it), was spent in radiology with all kinds of contraptions shoved all up my business. I had an HSG (Hysterosalpingograph) when there put a small catheter in through your cervix (parrrrrrrrty) and then shoot dye into your fallopian tubes and uterus to see if there are blockages.
I went in there thinking there would be a blockage and I would need surgery, even though I was hoping for the opposite. My High School friend actually messaged me on FB after my last post and said she did end up having this surgery and got pregnant on her own right afterwards, so that did ease my fear of having it a little. But the good news is, the tubes look clear. Apparently, “everything falling out of them” is actually what you want to happen because nothing was impeding the journey. So, as of now I am in the clear and moved on to the next step…
Waiting for my period to start shooting myself up. Eek. To be continued.