Ugh.  You pick up your phone, and scroll through FB, all of a sudden you see a tiny pair of sandals, or some “crib eviction notice”, a zoomed in sonogram, or some other creative way of announcing someone you know is expecting.  And your first instant thought is, fuuuuuuuuucking seriously. And then your second though is, “you’re an ahole, how dare you not be excited for (insert name of friend here)_______.”

The thing is you’re not NOT excited for that person or those people.  It might have come easy for them, or maybe they’ve had a bumpy road like you have, you have no idea.  But all you know is that you want to feel just unadulterated joy for them, but that is not how you feel.

Cue every 2-3 days of my life for the past year and a half.  I don’t think I’ve gone a week without logging in to social media and finding out someone else is having a baby. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had to hide some people from my timeline.  The thing is, I am happy for them.  I am even often impressed with their creative or sweet announcements.  But also, I have had my  FB “announcement” planned for about 15 months, and kept waiting for the chance to use it.  For the record, the idea is bomb and I’m not telling anyone, I’m hanging on to that shit until it’s necessary and I better get a bajillion likes on it when I do post it.  Anyway, I digress.  So, when I see others’ I feel some combo of happy, sad, and jealous.  And then guilty for not feeling only happy.  It’s a vicious cycle. But thus is the life.

This is not meant to discourage these posts.  I’ve thought about it a lot, and knowing what I know now and how seeing those things might make people on my newsfeed feel, I’ve debated in my head about whether I would want to or not.  I’ve also debated at what point in a healthy pregnancy would I even feel safe to post something, after going through what I’ve gone through? I’m thinking like week 37 give or take, lol.  But in the end, I say, you do you boo.  I am sure when that does finally happen for me, I will want to shout from the rooftops, take a pic of that bun in the oven or hold a Prego jar.  In the end even if it does give me a twinge of “oh man, why not me” it actually ultimately gives me hope too!